Random tweets:
Dear @Twitter, I'm deeply offended that "Who to Follow" suggestions include @WeightWatchers. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!!
Dr. Rosen told me I have "a perfect set." Of course, he's my dentist and was referring to my teeth. Why? What were you thinking? Podiatrist?
Friends- No matter the occasion, any gifts I give you in the next 5 years will be in a "Baby on Board" gift bag.
Wish I were at Comic-Con. Feel like kind of a loser here in Times Square in my Wonder Woman get-up. The upside: people keep giving me money.
Starting a cover band. We'll do mash-ups of all the best Milli Vanilli & Vanilla Ice Songs. Calling it VANILLI ICE.
Loud girl on cell at busy store: "The badder I feel about myself, the more I want sex." Yes, I openly laughed at her.
Based on the sounds coming from the front seat, I've deduced that my cabdriver is CLIPPING HIS NAILS! Uh, safety first, sir...please?!!
Bill-bashing tweets:
If something is total BS, say "That's total Bill Schulz!" Accurate, plus Mom won't ground you!
I just got Tweet-mentioned by
What cause is close to your heart? I'm pro-literacy! Because if
TV tweets:
Quick request: if everyone could refrain from blinking tonight that'd be great. Otherwise you'll miss me on
For nearly a full minute of clever Jilly D comments, watch Showbiz Tonight 11:37pmET on HLN. Whoo hoo! 55 seconds of fun!
Oprah has Favorite Things, and so do I. My #1: Belittling
Thanks everyone for the kind words about my Hannity hit. Except for the dude who said I look icky in purple. Dude, YOU look icky in purple!
Sharing movie scoop soon on the CBS Saturday Early Show. On CBS. Saturday. Early. (Something feels redundant here).
Celebrity tweets:
Things Anthony Hopkins has forever ruined: Chianti, fava beans, lotion. Now my life is all merlot, lima beans & dry skin.
Dear Elisabetta, I'm sorry I came between you two. Forgive me? // RT
Few things make me happier than Kristin Chenoweth's many high-on-Ambien tweets! // RT @KChenoweth: Ambiebn is grwta!
Kristin Chenoweth on Ambien, Tweet #4 // RT @KChenoweth: I lvoe the kristpy cream
Kristin Chenoweth on Ambien, Tweet #10 // RT @KChenoweth: Is on it amd ois like it
Kourtney Kardashian's best line in her acting debut? I vote: "Oh, snap. This is getting interesting." Said with zero interest.OMMMGGGGG I hit over 7 million followers! Seriously guys! U mean the world to me!!! / Oh, sorry. I thought I was
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Love all the Bill bashes! He deserves it! Hahaha
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