Talk Show Talk

Couric, Lake, Probst. Source: The Hollywood Reporter.

My friend Jeff Probst debuts his talk show today! As does my friend Katie Couric! As does my colleague Ricki Lake!

(According to Dobson's Rules of Order, since I interviewed Probst once, I can call him my friend. Ditto for Couric, whom I've also interviewed. And Lake works in TV... Dobson works in TV... therefore, we're totally colleagues! Right?)

Since all my friends* are getting shows, I think it's safe to assume a televised version of The Jill Dobson Show is right around the corner. Goodness, I'd better find daycare for baby Shane! And a cute series premiere outfit! And... hmmm, that's it! I'm otherwise totally ready for this! 

Until I get in front of the cameras for The Jill Dobson Show, I'll enjoy some airtime at HLN's Showbiz Tonight, where I'm discussing Katie & Co. and other showbiz matters... tonight! Please tune in and join the fun!

*Please refer to paragraph two, Dobson's Rules of Order, for substantiation. 
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Follow Jill on Twitter: @JillDobson
Or at www.Pinterest.com/JillDobson
Or at www.Facebook.com/JillDobson

Favorite Things: Makeover Segments

Fans of The Jill Dobson Show know that I've always been a big fan of makeovers. 

Tim Gunn gives the Harris sisters a makeover on The Revolution

Last weekend I talked about my ongoing effort to give myself a makeover, starting by losing the last of the baby svelteness, as I like to call it, that I gained during my recent pregnancy.
Last July I said, "My favorite thing in the world is a good makeover."
Last June I begged talk show producers to hire me to spearhead makeover segments.
And last May, I shared my talk show ideas with the world, including my desire to someday have something called a Six-Month Makeover on my own talk show. So imagine my surprise when I was undercut by one month, as ABC's The Revolution kicked off this year featuring a Five-Month Makeover each week. Hey, c'mon now!
It's like a certain scene out of There's Something About Mary...

Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?
Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the exercise video. 
Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man? 

Ted: I would go for the 7. 

Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk. 

Ted: That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh? 

Well, it looks like I'm in trouble. Because Tim Gunn, Jennifer Ashton and the gang have inspired some amazing makeovers on The Revolution. 
Meantime, my talk show still exists merely in blog form. Sigh.
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Follow Jill on Twitter: @JillDobson
Or at www.Facebook.com/JillDobson

Host Chat: Talking "The Talk!"

Wow! Those of you in The Jill Dobson Show audience aren't just talking "The Talk," you're walking the walk! 

First you guys Tweeted and posted a YouTube video, both aimed toward landing me a seat on a talk show panel. Then I learned at least two Facebook groups have been started:

Get Jill Dobson on a Talk Show

and

Let's Get Jill Dobson on The Talk

The latter has a great description, including the line, "If it worked for Betty White, it can work for Jill." 
As you may recall, when the "Betty White to Host SNL" Facebook group was formed, nearly a half million people promptly joined it.  The Saturday Night Live team took notice, and soon enough, Betty was "Live From New York!" 

There are already a combined total of 5 people on the two Jill Dobson groups... so, clearly, it's a foregone conclusion that I'm about to "Start Talking" with Julie Chen, Sara Gilbert and the rest of The Talk crew very soon! I mean, how could the producers (ahem, Sara Gilbert, John Redmann and every other incredibly good-looking and talented member of the team) possibly ignore such staggering numbers?!

Casting Call: Suri Cruise

Welcome to Casting Call: Jill's Search for the Perfect Co-Host! With each Casting Call, I advocate for someone I'd love as co-host of my inevitable future talk show. 

Forget Suri's Twisted World...
Have you seen Suri's Twisted Tumblr Site?

You know who'd be a great co-host The Jill Dobson Show? Suri Cruise! 
Have you seen the new site, purportedly written by Suri, called Suri's Burn Book? One post mentions Suri's introduction to the public via a 22-page Vanity Fair layout, and compares it to David and Victoria Beckham's first public photos of new baby Harper:
She’s a beautiful baby, but do these two know anything about a properly planned baby photo media release? She’s less than a week old! Where’s the mystery? Where’s the intrigue? Where’s the respect for young Harper’s media value? I mean, Facebook and Twitter? That’s so … lowbrow.
Another post about the Beckhams' new baby girl reads:
People want to believe that Harper Beckham and I are going to be rivals. This could not be further from the truth. I have no qualms with well-dressed, well-mannered young celebrities—it’s the slovenly little miscreants I take offense with. (And if you think I’m going to be jealous of a baby’s wardrobe, let me just remind you that I have invested $100,000 of Tom’s money in my shoe collection.)
Suri's Burn Book also talks about the many languages she knows, including Russian, for reading Anna Karenina in the original. She's got smarts, snark and style to spare! She'd be perfect as my sidekick! Actually, I'd happily be her sidekick! 

Host Chat: Grassroots Campaign

The Jill Dobson Show audience members have started, in their words, a "grassroots campaign" to turn me into a real, live talk show host (as opposed to a virtual talk show host here in the blogosphere)! I love you guys! You're totally getting mentioned in my future Emmy speech!

Jill Dobson would fit right in on this couch, don't you think?

Ever since media reports indicated popular daytime show The Talk might have a little extra room on the couch, I've had an outpouring of support:
-One group posted a YouTube video of some of my best TV moments, titled "Let's Give this Girl a Talk Show!" 
-One person offered to start a Facebook Group called "Make Jill Dobson One of the New Hosts on The Talk." (Or was she just suggesting someone else start it?) Anyway, blog reader Carrie stated, "A grassroots campaign isn't a bad idea! Maybe we should start a Facebook 'Make Jill Dobson One of the New Hosts on The Talk' group!" 
-Tons of you had incredibly supportive responses to my blog post, Casting Call: Jill Dobson. The well-wishes included comments at the end of the blog, as well as on Facebook and Twitter.  Here are a few of my favorite Tweets:

MarisaRSarnoff: @TheTalk_CBS should add @JillDobson to the cast! 

christieo: Hey @TheTalk_CBS!! You should add @JillDobson to the cast! 

@rammngspeed: @JillDobson @TheTalk_CBS We'd love to see you there, Jill!

aliciar @TheTalk_CBS should add @JillDobson to the cast! 

@BeckyGullan: Love @JillDobson on @RedEyeFNC and would be thrilled to see her on @TheTalk_CBS! Getting the DVR ready...


Thanks so much to all y'all for posting the YouTube video, sending so much love my way, spreading the word on the social networking sites and for all your other efforts. I appreciate every Tweet to TheTalk_CBS (or to anyone else potentially handing out talk show jobs), and I'm grateful for every positive thought, too! You're the best!

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Note 1: Yes, I did have the song "These are a few of my Favorite Things" in mind when I wrote the line, "Here are a few of my Favorite Tweets." Let's have a Sound of Music sing-along right here, right now! 
Note 2: I've shared the Jill Dobson Highlight Reel as a link many times here on the blog. But somehow it's cooler now that it's on YouTube, with the headline, as I may have mentioned: "Let's Give This Girl A Talk Show!" Awesome. You guys rock!

Talk Show Hopeful: Supporting the Dream

Guess who's visiting the set of one successful celebrity's upcoming talk show right now? No, not me. (Sigh.) The lucky winner of that all-access pass is my husband, Hollywood Super Agent Jim Ornstein. And I'm living vicariously through him today, imagining that I'm there, too. As a pregnant lady, I do a lot of things vicariously through him these days, from wine consumption to roller coaster riding to white water rafting.*
Mr. Super Agent just sent me an email from the set. He could've talked about how glamorous the celebrity is close-up, or described the behind-the-scenes craziness. But his email was actually about me, of all things. It stated, in full, "I was just thinking of you onstage with your own talk show." 
He supports the dream! How great is he?!  

Jill Dobson's Emmy Dream Dress
(As modeled by Emmy winner Claire Danes)

My dream, as fans of The Jill Dobson Show know, is to be a talk show host. I've worked toward it during my decade as a reporter, covering hard news, then entertainment. (My resume includes hosting a daily live talk show on the web, Strategy Room, and appearing on some shows you might've heard of... The Today Show, CBS Early Show, Vh1 All Access, E News!, Access Hollywood, Showbiz Tonight, etc.)

"Creative Visualization" author Shakti Gawain says that if you have a dream, you should "Imagine that it has already happened. Picture it as clearly as possible in your mind."  

On her advice, I can close my eyes and see my future talk show set, the audience, the different segments we'll do, the inevitable Emmy nominations, even my Emmy dress... which looks a lot like the dress Claire Danes wore to the 2010 awards. Except mine has spaghetti straps. Because you know who isn't brave enough to risk a wardrobe malfunction on Emmy night? Me! 
Sturdy strap support, along with the longterm support of my spouse (and the Jill Dobson Show audience)... it seems I've got everything I need to make it to the top, wouldn't you say? So, move over, Oprah! (Oh, right. She already stepped down from her talk show. Well, then, move over, Ellen!)

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*OK, he hasn't exactly been on any roller coasters this summer, and I don't think he's ever been white water rafting. But it sounds lame to say that I've just been watching, staring, dreaming, and, I admit, drooling a bit, every time he takes a sip of wine. Right? There should be other things I'm missing out on, due to pregnancy. I had other hobbies before becoming a Mom-to-Be, didn't I? Didn't I?!

Monday Magazine Mania: The Beginning

Twenty years have gone by, yet I remember it perfectly.  I was with Mom at our local grocery store, Felpausch.  While she perused the greeting cards, I wandered over one aisle, to the magazine row, just out of boredom.  I didn't actually care about any of the publications.  But then I picked up Teen magazine.  I was 13, and -pow! - here was my holy grail.  

I didn't know how to dress, what to do with my hair, or how to talk to boys.  And here was a manual explaining how to do all those things!  I begged Mom to buy it for me, and she said yes!  Once at home, I studied every word, every page.  And then a subscription card fluttered out.  Soon, I was handing over $12 of my babysitting money to Dad, and in return, he gave me a check made out to Teen magazine.  Thus began one of my longest, and most wonderful relationships.  
I kept every issue in mint condition.  I saved them, and referred back to old issues regularly.  Nearly two decades later, I'm still mad at my then-best friend for borrowing my first-ever Teen -- and then CUTTING IT UP for a scrapbook.  You don't burn someone else's Koran... and you sure as heck don't cut up her "Bible!"  But I digress...
I subscribed to Teen for years, but I wasn't always monogamous.  After a couple years, I met Sassy*, and began a several-year-long lovefest.  There was also a fling with Seventeen.  And then, the mother lode.  A family friend known as Grandma Jan had a thick stack of fashion magazines she no longer needed.  Did I want them?  And that was how, in one day, I met the dear friends of my distant, grown-up future: Elle, Bazaar and Vogue.  I'm sure Grandma Jan never knew her pile of old magazines was one of the most cherished gifts I ever received.  
In college, I majored in journalism, expecting that Anna Wintour would someday move on from Vogue, leaving the Editor-in-Chief position to, of course, me.  But then I changed my focus to broadcast, rather than print, journalism.  (And, also, Anna Wintour never moved on from Vogue.)  So instead of editing Vogue, I grew up to be a Talk Show Hopeful and an admitted magazine junkie.
Signs that I'm an addict include problems like this:  When I first spotted In Style on the newsstand (featuring Demi Moore in curlers) in 1996, I fell in love.  But I've never been able to subscribe, because I fear I might miss an issue while I wait for the subscription to kick in.  So I just keep buying it at the bookstore... month after month after month, for fifteen years!  Also, I never, ever open up a perfume sample, because that, to my warped mind, would damage the integrity of the magazine.  And don't even get me started on my thoughts about using magazines for scrapbooking purposes!**

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*The Bloggess shared a recent interaction she had with the editor of Sassy.  Her story is hilarious- read it immediately.  Compared to The Blogess, I'm completely useless at this internet thing.  Sigh.

**Although, I must admit, if I feel the need to send hate mail to my nemesis Bill Schulz, I will send a creepy letter composed of cut-up magazine letters.  But I DON'T cut up a gorgeous monthly magazine for the job -- I use a less-valuable-to-me weekly magazine (apologies, In Touch Weekly editors). 

Host Chat: The Last 10 Years

Welcome to another edition of Host Chat.  Just as Regis shares exciting stories from his life each morning, I share my latest tales of hobnobbing, hijinks, and more often than not, humiliation!
I've recently enjoyed catching up on classic literature, from Lord of the Flies to 1984.  With that said, maybe you'll be slightly less judgmental when I tell you that I'm currently reading What Alice Forgot, a fun beach read (hey, it's July, people!) about a woman who wakes up from an accident to find she's forgotten the past 10 years of her life.  And she's changed so much during those forgotten years that now she barely knows herself. 
Which begs the question: If you jumped back to July 2001, what would you be most surprised to know about the July 2011 version of yourself?
I've had some career milestones and huge changes in my personal life in the past 10 years, but the absolute most shocking change for me?  
I've become a neat freak.  

These days, even my bath products are organized--
and color-coordinated.  Who am I anymore???

From birth until early 2009, I was incredibly disorganized.  As a kid, every Saturday morning, my brothers got to watch cartoons, and I was stuck upstairs cleaning my bedroom, because it was a disaster.  I often tell people (only half-jokingly) that, for my mom, the most traumatic part of our 1988 house fire was that the firefighters saw my bedroom in full Pound-Puppy tornado mode.  
I've always been partial to what I called the Mixed Media Mess.  Any available floorspace, closet or tabletop was always piled with clothes and bills and beauty products and books.  
All that changed when my husband and I bought our first home together, two years ago.  I promised myself that our new home would be a restful retreat from our stressful careers... and that I would keep it neat from Day One.  About 5 months before moving in, I read a book by a man I'd seen -- and loved -- several times on Oprah, Peter Walsh.  His book, It's All Too Much, literally changed my life.  Walsh explains something that had somehow escaped me for years and years:  The key isn't to organize the tons and tons of stuff you have, it's to declutter.  Get rid of the clothes that don't fit, the magazines from 6 years ago, the shoes you wore for Halloween once and will never wear again.  So simple.  So liberating.  
Another key Walsh piece of advice, "Imagine the life you want to live." Envision your home as a restful retreat (or whatever you're going for), then declutter accordingly.  That way, instead of thinking, "But I might fix this lamp and actually use it someday," you keep your eyes on the prize, give stuff like that away, and just keep the most meaningful, important items.
So while the old "Jill of July 2001" would be overjoyed to see that "Jill of July 2011" has a great family, and a career that has included interviews with Angelina, Gwyneth and Madonna, the biggest surprise to her would be this new wave of neatness.
What about YOU?  What would the old "You of July 2001" be surprised to learn about the new "You of July 2011?"  Anything as fantastically shocking as "I now have a hamper and I use it?"  If so, I'd love to hear it!

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What's been the biggest change in your life in the past decade?  Share it in the "comments" section below, or at:

www.Twitter.com/JillDobson

www.Facebook.com/JillDobson 

Favorite Things: Fun, Fearless Blogs

Welcome to Favorite Things!  Here at The Jill Dobson Show, your favorite Oprah segment lives on, as I reveal the coolest tech, beauty and home products... except without Oprah, without any TV airtime, and without the free giveaways.  Hey, I'm doing the best I can here!

This week, I've discovered some fun, fearless females (to borrow the term from Cosmopolitan magazine) out there in the blogosphere.  (Hey, wait a minute-- Mr. Spellcheck gives me attitude every time I type "Dobson," but he lets "blogosphere" slides by no problem?!?!  Hmph.)  Anyway, here are a few of my new favorite blogs:

The Sneaker Experiment, because people write in and share the little steps they took to overcome big fears.  I especially identify with "Sneaker Story #4:  Drive on the Freeway."  Remind me someday to tell you why I was pushed into getting a driver's permit at the tender age of 14, and how incredibly terrified I was -- at just 13 -- when I took my road test.  And how many times I had to take it before I passed.  And about the instructor's screams emanating from the passenger seat during the first test.  Shudder. Bonus: The Sneaker Experiment was created by my dear friend Lisa Gilbar.

Stephanie Klein's Greek Tragedy, because her blog categories include "Drunken Blogging," "Food Porn," and "Judy Blume Moments."  

Bonus: Her June 27th post titled "Quick, Help Me Choose," actually helped me choose some themes for our soon-to-be-baby room.  Commenter LolaD recommended website Serena & Lily, with which I promptly became obsessed.  Thanks Stephanie and LolaD!

Average Moms Wear Capes, because self-described "average mom" Christie O. inspires me with her before-and-after from "large, unhappy, hot mess" to triathlete and half-marathoner.  I do love a good makeover story! Bonus: Christie O. attends movie junkets (something I've done many times in my years as an entertainment journalist).  Just as I was starting to get a bit blasé about the whole thing, she reminds me what a fascinating world I work in, with her delighted reports of celebrity encounters and behind-the-scenes peeks at the making of Winnie the Pooh and Cars 2.  That's right, this is fun!  I'm ready to jump back on the junket bandwagon!  Hey, Disney folks, please call my people and let's do this!

Host Chat: The Jumbotron

Welcome to another edition of Host Chat.  Just as Regis shares stories from his exciting life each morning on his talk show, I share my latest tales of hobnobbing, hinjinks, and more often than not, humiliation!

Rachel McAdams (center, in hat) on a Jumbotron

A few days ago, my friend Alicia emailed me this video, titled "Rachel McAdams on a Jumbotron."  In it, the star of "The Notebook" goes crazy when she spots of herself on the bigscreen at a hockey game, which makes me (along with every hockey fan out there) love her immensely. Such enthusiasm!  Such joy!  Nothing like the many jaded, bored-acting celebrities I've encountered at junkets and red carpets. (I'm talking to you, Mark Wahlberg.)  
In the email, Alicia wrote to me, "I feel like this is what you would do on the jumbotron!"  Which makes me love her immensely.  I love that she thinks I'm as fun as McAdams.
I actually did appear on a jumbotron one time at a 2007 Yankees game.  I'd been sitting in terrible seats, but then I ran into my greenroom friend* Pam Bondi at the concession stands.  Pam brought me back to her seats (which where awesome!) to say hello to Contessa Brewer, whom I knew from my frequent guest appearances at MSNBC.  I'm not sure if it was Pam's charisma, Contessa's beauty or our proximity to the field (and therefore the cameras), but within seconds after I sat down, the three of us ended up on the jumbrotron.  Sadly, I didn't stand up and dance or do anything super fun.  I resisted those urges, and was actually quite proud of myself for just acting like a normal person... until I saw the McAdams video. McAdams made me realize there's nothing cooler than sharing genuine joy with the world.  So next time the camera comes my way, get ready to see me tootsie roll, or do the roger rabbit, or whatever other circa-1993 dance move comes to mind.  (Macarena, anyone?) 


*Greenroom friend: Someone you befriend after meeting in the greenroom (aka the backstage area) of a TV studio.  When I worked for Star Magazine, I made regular appearances at various TV studios.  I spent time almost every day in the greenrooms at FNC, CNN and MSNBC... meeting lots of interesting people.  Best greenroom encounter ever?  A baby cheetah!  I actually got to pet him!  His fur was surprisingly rough, but he was so cute... until he had a little "accident" on the floor of the makeup room.  Oops!  Time for me to go on-camera now!  See ya!

Casting Call: Anna Kendrick

Welcome to another edition of Casting Call: Jill's Search for the Perfect Co-Host!  With each Casting Call, I advocate for someone I'd love as my future talk show co-host.  Eventually, the viewers (and the network executives) will make the final call.

Will Anna (right) yuk it up like this with me someday?
Photo source: Zimbio

Anna Kendrick would be just perfect as the co-host of my (still theoretical) talk show, even though she's busy being a wildly successful movie star! She's an Oscar nominee (for her role in Up in the Air) and a Tony nominee (for her role in High Society on Broadway).  She's also been in scores of other movies, including some little known indy films you probably haven't heard of... called the Twilight series.  Ring any bells?
I learned of her when I hosted Strategy Room for FoxNews.com, and frequent guest Ryan Brockington always raved about her.  He kept telling me, and our viewers, that we needed to see Up in the Air immediately.  I saw it and I agreed with Ryan, as did The Academy, which promptly handed out nominations to Kendrick, George Clooney, Vera Farmiga, and director Jason Reitman. 
As talented as Anna is at making scripts come alive, I find her even more charming when she's off-script.  That's why I'd love to co-host a talk show with her.  She's a funny, funny girl and she's always so engaging.  I love when she's herself, both on-camera and on Twitter, where she describes herself in the following way:
"Pale, awkward and very very small.  Form an orderly queue, gents."
She's not only self-deprecating, she's also patient, even when journalists ask her the same questions again and again, like, "How does it feel working with hotties like Rob Pattinson and George Clooney?"  To which she once told the ladies of The View, "It's like having a really hot cousin and everybody talks about wanting to sleep with your cousin and you're like, dude, don't say that to me."  
Speaking of The View, maybe Kendrick isn't such a longshot to be my co-host.  If Oscar, Emmy, Tony and Grammy winner (whew!) Whoopi Goldberg can find fulfillment in the talk show world, perhaps Kendrick can, too.  And, as an added bonus, the network executives would be very happy to have one of the co-hosts of The Jill Dobson Show* be "a name," something I very clearly am not (see previous post).  With Kendrick on board, the network might finally greenlight my talk show.  And with her humor and warm personality, along with our certain on-air chemistry, the show is likely to stay on the air for many, many [new] moons.**




*Anna, call me to discuss a new show title.  I'll even give you top billing!  (Take that, Clooney!)
**Yes, that was a reference to a little indy film called The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Fashion Fix

Welcome to Fashion Fix!  The ladies of The View share their fashion scoop on their website daily.  I, too, share my TV-worthy looks, but only on the days I manage to get out of my pajamas!

Captured by paparazzi outside Dan Tana's 

Time for another amazing dinner at my favorite West Hollywood eatery, Dan Tana's.  The restaurant claims, accurately, that it's "always fully packed with customers rubbing elbows with Hollywood elite."  Last time I was here, it was a few days after the 2010 Oscars and I ran into actor Jeremy Renner.  I congratulated him for his nomination for "The Hurt Locker," and the film's Best Picture Win.  After that A-list run-in, who might I encounter his time around?  Maybe some hotshot TV executives looking for a fun co-host for the talk show they're developing!  That's why I cracked out my lucky shoes.  I bought these when I auditioned for the co-host gig at Dancing with the Stars, back when Samantha Harris left the show.  The audition went so well, I got a callback!  (Nice work, lucky shoes!)  My second time around, I actually did a short on-camera bit with Tom Bergeron on the actual DWTS soundstage.  It was so exciting to be in the running for such an amazing job!  Can you imagine co-hosting a show that's often the top rated program on TV?!  At my callback, Bergeron was hilarious, and so friendly to me.  He immediately put me at ease, and helped me have another strong audition.  In the end, the producers told me they decided to go with "a name,"* and they gave the job to the significantly more famous (and more accomplished, and more gorgeous) Brooke Burke.  I can't argue with their decision!  
As for me, it truly was an honor just to be considered.**  Every time I wear my lucky shoes, I think about DWTS... and I wonder what other amazing opportunities might be just around the corner.

FASHION FIX
Dress: Graham & Spencer (from their maternity line)
Bag: Marc Jacobs gray shoulder bag with bird detail
Shoes: Jimmy Choo snakeskin platform peep toe pump

*If only I had a nickel (or an on-air gig!) for every time I've heard that

**Probaby the same thing Renner said to me, outside Dan Tana's last year

Host Chat: Pulling a Lohan

Welcome to another edition of Host Chat.  Just as Regis shares stories from his exciting life each morning on his talk show, I share my latest tales of hobnobbing, hinjinks, and more often than not, humiliation!

The necklace, via Socialitelife.com

As you may known, Lindsay Lohan often shops at high-end jewelry stores-- sometimes with unfortunate consequences.  Well, I'm starting to understand what might've gone wrong for Ms. Lohan.  Here's the story: The other day, I needed a really special necklace for my 5-year wedding anniversary celebration.  So I was shopping at my favorite high-end jewelry store, Banana Republic.
Wait- why's everyone laughing?
Anyway, just like Lohan was shopping with a friend the day of her alleged necklace theft, I was shopping with my husband, Hollywood Super Agent Jim Ornstein.  And you know how Lohan and her friend were accused of distracting the sales staff by chatting with them while simultaneously trying on several necklaces?  Well... yours truly was trying on every necklace in the store, while also fielding questions about the baby bump (clearly the clerk should have been tuning in to The Jill Dobson Show) and the planned anniversary celebration.  Eventually, I picked a short turquoise necklace, headed to the checkout, and was about to leave the store when something caught my eye.  A very long gold chain was still hanging from my neck!  A long gold chain I hadn't paid for!  And the only reason I saw it was because it was so long that.... it was resting on my baby bump!  What if it had been shorter, like the tiny little chain in the Lohan case?!  I'd be under house arrest right now!  And worse, so would my future baby.  Can you imagine the life of mayhem in store for someone who gets arrested before even being born?  Shudder.
So the good news is, I spotted the necklace in time, and returned it to the clerk well before the police were called.  Then I left with the other, paid-for necklace, along with a fresh sense of empathy for Ms. Lohan.
Later that night, I put on my new necklace, and made a toast (with milk!) to our marriage, upcoming baby, and my continued lack of a police record. A cause for celebration, if there ever was one! 

A (milk!) toast for our anniversary,
upcoming baby and lack of jail time!