Host Chat: Pulling a Lohan

Welcome to another edition of Host Chat.  Just as Regis shares stories from his exciting life each morning on his talk show, I share my latest tales of hobnobbing, hinjinks, and more often than not, humiliation!

The necklace, via Socialitelife.com

As you may known, Lindsay Lohan often shops at high-end jewelry stores-- sometimes with unfortunate consequences.  Well, I'm starting to understand what might've gone wrong for Ms. Lohan.  Here's the story: The other day, I needed a really special necklace for my 5-year wedding anniversary celebration.  So I was shopping at my favorite high-end jewelry store, Banana Republic.
Wait- why's everyone laughing?
Anyway, just like Lohan was shopping with a friend the day of her alleged necklace theft, I was shopping with my husband, Hollywood Super Agent Jim Ornstein.  And you know how Lohan and her friend were accused of distracting the sales staff by chatting with them while simultaneously trying on several necklaces?  Well... yours truly was trying on every necklace in the store, while also fielding questions about the baby bump (clearly the clerk should have been tuning in to The Jill Dobson Show) and the planned anniversary celebration.  Eventually, I picked a short turquoise necklace, headed to the checkout, and was about to leave the store when something caught my eye.  A very long gold chain was still hanging from my neck!  A long gold chain I hadn't paid for!  And the only reason I saw it was because it was so long that.... it was resting on my baby bump!  What if it had been shorter, like the tiny little chain in the Lohan case?!  I'd be under house arrest right now!  And worse, so would my future baby.  Can you imagine the life of mayhem in store for someone who gets arrested before even being born?  Shudder.
So the good news is, I spotted the necklace in time, and returned it to the clerk well before the police were called.  Then I left with the other, paid-for necklace, along with a fresh sense of empathy for Ms. Lohan.
Later that night, I put on my new necklace, and made a toast (with milk!) to our marriage, upcoming baby, and my continued lack of a police record. A cause for celebration, if there ever was one! 

A (milk!) toast for our anniversary,
upcoming baby and lack of jail time!

Host Chat: House Arrest - Awful or Awesome?

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to house arrest today.  People magazine reports she turned herself in to start her jail sentence this morning, and was immediately given house arrest, due to jail overcrowding.  If I were her, instead of feeling regret over the alleged necklace theft, these celebratory thoughts would be filling my head:
--Thank God so many other people have broken the law recently! I'm so lucky there's no room at the inn jail today!
--Now I don't have to have jailhouse baloney on white bread for lunch!  I'm going to have my cook whip up a ton of yummy sandwiches, just like the one I was eating last month during my Blank magazine cover shoot!

--I'm so lucky I have a huge house full of everything my heart desires.  But, what the heck, I'm totally going online shopping this afternoon!  I'll need some casual sandals to wear poolside (once I'm allowed outside my house again)... and for only $1,095.00, the Valentino wedge would be perfect!
--I'm going to play so much Wii!  I wonder if Paris will come over for some Mario Kart?
--It'd be so ironic if I Netflixed Shia LaBeouf's Disturbia!  Tagline: A teen living under house arrest becomes convinced his neighbor is a serial killer.
--Oh, God!  I hope my neighbor's not a serial killer!