Welcome to another edition of Talk Show Hopeful: Jill Dobson. With each Talk Show Hopeful, I share the latest ups and downs in my lifelong quest to become a Talk Show Host.
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| Jill Dobson plays "Madison Daly" on Onion News Network |
As you know, Sherri Shepherd was best known as a comedic actress, before landing her job as a host on The View. I'm hoping my recurring role as "Madison Daly" on the always-hilarious Onion News Network will likewise help me make the transition into the world of talk. This week on the ONN, my character shares Harry Potter scoop you certainly won't hear anywhere else! Watch the brand-new video here! Anyway, I'm sure hoping the Sherri Shepherd Method works for me. If not, I'm left with these options:
--Elisabeth Hasselbeck Method: Compete on Survivor, then eventually host a talk show. For me, the reality ship has sailed. True story: I once worked for a company where some of the employees were going to be featured on a reality show. My boss asked me to meet with the reality casting directors. When I told this to my husband, Hollywood Super Agent Jim Ornstein, he pointed out to me that nearly every couple on reality TV has split up. Think about it: Nick & Jessica; Carmen & Dave; Liza & David; Ronnie & Sammi... the list goes on and on. [Update: Adrienne Curry & Christopher Knight recently separated, too.] Since my marriage is infinitely more important to me than a shot at reality stardom, I decided I didn't want to participate. But my boss insisted I meet with the casting directors. So, I had no choice but to purposely bomb the audition. The casting directors were looking for a dynamic New Yorker who knew how to work hard, play hard. Here's how our conversation went: CASTING TEAM: What do you like to do in your spare time?
JILL: (in a monotone) Read.
CASTING TEAM: What else?
JILL: Play Scrabble.
CASTING TEAM: What's your average workday like? Hectic? Lots of celebrity encounters?
JILL: I spend a lot of time at my computer.
CASTING TEAM: I'm sure you have some interesting interactions with people here in the office.
JILL: Um, I'm on the phone a lot, so I'm not really involved in the office gossip or anything.
CASTING TEAM: Are you single? Dating? Hitting the club scene?
JILL: I'm married. And in case it impacts your shoot, you should know, my husband refuses to be on camera.
CASTING TEAM: Well, thanks for coming in.
--Oprah Winfrey Method: Work as a local news reporter, then land a talk show gig. I loved this idea, so I tried this idea. I've worked for more than a decade as a reporter. I've covered hard news at the local level and entertainment news at the national level. And where am I today? Blogging about my hopes of becoming a talk show host. Hmph.
--Kelly Ripa Method: Become a soap star, then host a talk show. One of my few talents is my ability to cry on command. With said talent, I'm seriously considering this route. I actually once had one line on As The World Turns, and I clearly nailed it. (It's a mystery why the producers never gave Flight Attendant #2 a 5-episode arc.)
--Whoopi Goldberg Method: Win an Oscar, then host a talk show. I think my chances of this are similar to Jim Carrey's odds of getting the girl in one of my all-time favorite non-Oscar-winning films, Dumb & Dumber. Here's a discussion between Jim Carrey's character, Lloyd, and Lauren Holly's character, Mary:
Lloyd: What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together? Mary: Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say. I mean, we don't really... Lloyd: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances? Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred? Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million.
[pause] Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance.
Here's hoping I have a better chance at my dream than poor Lloyd Christmas did in Dumb & Dumber!
